


the long silence of danny saunders

by dannysaunders



Category: The Chosen (1981), The Chosen - Chaim Potok
Genre: Canon Era, aka danny running from his emotions, also shaindel is a lesbian and we love her
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-06
Updated: 2019-03-23
Packaged: 2019-10-05 03:42:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17317415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dannysaunders/pseuds/dannysaunders
Summary: the first semester of graduate school at coloumbia university has given danny an all too easy excuse to ignore the life he left behind in brooklyn. but a frantic call from a friend left behind forces him to confront the people and feelings he thought he could escape.





	1. then the phone rings

> _'How do you do it?' I asked. He blinked again._
> 
> _'Do what?'_
> 
> _'How do you take the silence?' He didn't say anything. But his face tightened._
> 
> _'I hated it,' I told him. 'How do you take it?'_
> 
> _He pulled nervously at an earlock, his eyes dark and brooding._
> 
> _'I think I would lose my mind,' I said._
> 
> **\- the chosen // chapter 16**

  

The metallic cry of the telephone filled the room. It woke Danny up from an intense trance, sitting up on the sofa he turned to look back at the nuisance. It hadn’t rung in weeks, he remembered the last time his mother had called, practically begging to know the next time he’d be home to visit. Danny’s life had fallen back into a comforting isolation. Being disconnected from his old life in Brooklyn fell too easily into motion under the guise of the chaos of graduate school. First it was settling in, then midterms, then eventually finals; there was a constant stream of excuses. He couldn’t help but indulge himself in the soothing feeling of a deep dive into academia, and the convenient excuse to ignore the past twenty years of his life for just a few months. But the phone was ringing, and he did not want to answer it. He couldn’t think of the last time he’d spoken to his father, or his sister, or-

The phone seemed to get even louder with each passing moment, and it was digging into Danny’s head like a drill. It was gnawing into the room around him but still he had absolutely no desire to answer it. He kept excusing himself in his head, imagining the pure bliss of just letting the call ring on unanswered. But now that school was out there was nothing left in him that could justify how obvious his intentional ignorance of life had become. So he picked up the phone.

“This is Daniel Saunders.”

“Danny, it’s me.”

The caller didn’t need to say anything more than that. He instantly recognized the voice as Reuven Malter. And for the first time in all of those months he was finally forced to confront the shame of avoiding speaking to the people who loved him the most for so long.

“Your mom told me to call you here since you weren’t home. Listen, I know you probably don’t need me to bother you but I really need someone right now.”

“No, no. I’m here for you. What’s going on?”

Words were coming out of his mouth before he could even think about them long enough. He had been dreading picking up the phone just a moment before. But that wasn’t something that Reuven needed to hear. Despite the fact that it had been months since he had heard his voice, Danny was still able to detect a deeply troubled tone to it. So troubled that Danny himself became unsettled.

“It’s my dad. Danny, listen, he’s had another heart attack. I can’t take it, my house is so empty and I just _need_ someone here with me.”

There was a cold, painful silence. Danny couldn’t find any words for him. Four months ago they were sipping tea and playfully debating across living room couches, meeting up in the library, holding so desperately to every quiet, lonely moment between just the two of them. Four months ago he had promised that Columbia was not that far away and that he’d be back before Reuven could even begin to miss him. Now he couldn’t even muster up the words to comfort him through his father’s illness. He couldn’t stop thinking about how poorly it reflected on him now. In reality, he feared that his absence was almost unforgivable in nature.

“Danny?”

He couldn’t bear the twinge of painful hope in his voice. It stung him in a way he could not have imagined.

“I’ll come home for the break. I’ll stay with you.”

Reuven said something after that. He couldn’t really remember what it was. If he was honest he wasn’t thinking about much as he packed clothes and other essentials into a small suitcase. He wasn’t thinking at all until he was waiting for the bus, freezing and exhausted. Most students had left days ago, returning to families for holiday festivities and a long deserved break from academic stress. Danny now was worryingly shoving his suitcase into the luggage rack and sitting, watching blurry shapes moves past the bus window. He closed his eyes to relax as he felt an old, long forgotten insecurity set over him. Memories flooded of daily trolley rides with Reuven, so vivid that when he opened his eyes again and looked to the empty seat beside him, his stomach fell. He couldn’t think what he would say when he finally got to his doorstep. It made him sick. The ride down to Brooklyn was the longest hour of his life.

The air pressed painfully against his skin as he stepped out onto the street. The familiar path back to the familiar brownstone felt almost as usual as a daily routine. Perhaps there was some sort of psychological explanation for that. The past few months had consisted mostly of monotonous stress, ambiguous unending work droning on and on. Perhaps in the rush of it all he had forgotten that such strong emotion could overcome him. Standing outside the brownstone was what really broke him. Before stepping inside he collected himself, wiping his tears  and clearing his throat. He entered and slowly made his way through the long, uncomfortably dark hallway to the entrance to Reuven’s apartment. This time, when he reached the door, he did not stop to think. Too much thought would only allow the flame of guilt in his gut to build. The sound of his knock on the door echoed down the hallway and it was only moments before the door swung open.

Danny was greeted by a distorted image of a familiar face. For a moment, he thought he was hallucinating. It was chilling. Reuven had lost a significant amount of weight. But when the met eyes, despite the clear exhaustion and anxiety that Reuven’s portrayed, they both smiled. In a strange, painful way, that untouched moment of reunion was the happiest Danny had been in months. He’d deprived himself of the joy that Reuven brought to him for an ugly comfort. But for just a few seconds they weren’t thinking about that, or at least Danny wasn’t. Before he could even get a word out to him, Reuven threw his arms around him, beginning to cry.

“I thought I’d never see you again.”

Immediately dropping his suitcase to the ground, Danny gently wrapped his arms around Reuven. They stood there in silence for what felt like forever. Again Danny was speechless. The moment ended as Reuven pulled away from the hug, wiped his tears, and gestured for Danny to follow him into his apartment. All without saying a single word.


	2. alone together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reuven and Danny reunite over a cup of tea.

 

> "He told me once he wishes everyone could talk in silence."
> 
> "Talk in silence?"
> 
> "I don't get it either." Danny said, shrugging. "But that's what he said."
> 
> -  **the chosen // chapter 4**

 

Reuven poured tea out into a set of old porcelain teacups, handling the scalding water with intent precision. The room was washed over with silence and Danny reached out to grab the cup held out to him. He took long sips, trying not to recoil from the heat against tongue. He’d let his tongue burn to a crip before having to find any words to say to him. A stalemate was agreed upon without words, they sat across from each other on couches, sipped from their cups, and didn’t speak a single word, didn’t ask a single question. And yet, an intimacy remained, like a torch picked up right where it had been left to burn itself out months before. They met each other’s eyes and stared. Danny had forgotten how dark Reuven’s eyes were, his pupils almost seemed lost in them.

“Did you miss me?”

Reuven’s voice held steady as he asked, there didn’t seem to be a hint of bitterness in his voice. Perhaps he had rehearsed that to himself the whole time they had been sitting together. Danny still couldn’t form words, he remained speechless. He nodded, very slowly, though. Reuven smiled back at him, but Danny couldn't help but notice just how tight his smiled seemed to be.  

“I missed you.” Reuven’s emotions seemed so evidently to have defeated him.

“Reuven, I did miss you. I just-” 

“Just what? You left Brooklyn to rot. You left me.” Reuven’s voice didn’t raise, he spoke weakly, clearly tired. His anger was terrifyingly soft, twinged more with exhaustion than with passion. “Could you just tell me why?” 

“I got caught up in school.”

They both knew that was a lie.

Reuven dropped his gaze defeatedly and leaned back into the couch.

“It’s good to be home.” Danny was hesitant in the words he chose. It seemed that he had backed himself into a corner he had no way of getting out of. “It’s good to see you again.”

“It’s good to see you too.” It seemed like there was a hint of truth to it, they both missed each other deeply. Despite everything, they longed to be with each other again more than they could comprehend. Their bitterness, their fear of failure, it restrained them. It kept Danny locked up in his room at Columbia and now it kept Reuven from speaking, from admitting to Danny the anguish his absence had caused him. They festered, quietly. Danny held his empty teacup, pretending to not be finished. Reuven’s eyes had drifted to behind Danny, to the far window on the wall. The streetlights barely illuminated the scene outside their window. Danny didn’t turn around to look to see what Reuven was watching. He kept his eyes on Reuven. Counting the freckles on his face just as he had taken the habit of doing before he had left.

Then Reuven stood up and announced to Danny that he needed to sleep. There wasn’t a guest room in their house, so Danny was going to sleep in Reuven’s room and Reuven was to sleep in his father’s room while he was still at the hospital. Danny followed Reuven through his house without a word. His eyes wandered around the photos. Framed pictures of father and son and one of a younger woman with the same thick, dark, curly hair that Reuven had.

Stepping into Reuven’s room felt like stepping back into another decade, and Danny couldn’t stop remembering teenage Reuven. Except everything had changed. His old decorations were removed in place of more modest ones, a college graduate had moved into this room while Danny was away. The furniture had been shifted enough to be noticeable. He picked up a picture frame sitting on the desk that caught his eyes, there he was, it couldn’t have been more than a few years old. He didn’t even recognize himself, smiling with Reuven on the same sofa they had been drinking tea on just a moment ago. Hell, he didn’t recognize Reuven either, he seemed so alive in that photo. When he set it down again, he turned to see that Reuven was watching him intently.  
  
“I didn’t know you had this photo.” Danny gestured back to it and Reuven nodded. “I don’t even remember it being taken.”  
  
“My dad took it. That was the day before...” Reuven trailed off. “You’re going to need an extra blanket. It’s supposed to get pretty cold.”  
  
Reuven disappeared out into the hallway and Danny stood alone. He tried not to think about his comment, whatever it meant. But he couldn’t stop. He was fixated on that photo. He picked it up again and just stared. Was his personal freedom, everything that he had found at Columbia, worth the clear pain distorting Reuven’s face? The life had been drained out of him and it seemed as though he was at least a bit to blame. How much longer could they keep up the game they were playing? They couldn’t go the rest of their lives not talking about the discomfort Danny’s absence had caused, or the feelings he had left behind.

Reuven sat a heavy blanket down on the bed, running his hands across the soft material. He must have seen Danny holding the photo again, but if he did, he didn’t say a word about it. Still, Danny shamefully lowered it back down onto the desk as Reuven began to walk out of the room.

“Goodnight Danny.” His voice was calming, despite the disappointment that laced it. Danny clung to his words, trying to decipher it all.

“Wait Reuven.” Danny’s voice was weak now too, Reuven stopped in his tracks and turned around to look at Danny.

“I was thinking of going to have dinner with my family tomorrow night, would you care to join me?” 

Reuven stopped to think, looking back at Danny. He could see again just how tired his eyes were, but he still smiled and nodded slowly. Then, just as quietly, he flipped the switch, leaving Danny in the darkness. He felt completely out of place in Reuven’s room. His eyes wandered back to the dark outline of the photograph on Reuven’s desk.


	3. it all comes back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A dinner at the Saunders' house reignite past emotion which both men had tried to ignore.

>  I heard no signal and no call for silence; it simply  
>  stopped cut off as if a door had slammed shut on a playroom filled  
>  with children. The silence that followed had a strange quality to it:  
>  expectation, eagerness, love, awe.  
>  **\- the chosen // chapter 7**

 

“Are you going to knock or do I have to?” Reuven laughed a little at his own words, but there was an unsettling nervousness in it. “You look so scared. Danny, it's your family.”

Danny had been lost in his own mind again. The fear of what he knew would come crashing down on him was festering within him. They both stood on his doorstep, the place which for all his life had been his home. It had not always been the most comforting place for him, but it was always home nevertheless. But now he felt so foreign there, so alien. He did not even want to knock on the door. His mind had speculated for him every way the reunion could go sour. His family members had become performers on the stage of his mind, hellbent on destroying him and digging into every insecurity which had blossomed in him since his return. Then suddenly, Reuven slipped his hand into Danny’s and grasped onto it lightly. Once again the world came into focus to Danny, his vision blurred and he drifted back to reality.

As always, it seemed, Reuven was right.

He reached out and knocked on the door carefully. Then, after a few moments of silence, his sister stood in the open door.

Danny was flooded with memories all in a single moment. How just before he left he had promised his sister to call as often as possible. He remembered the knowing glances they shared across dinner tables when their father was having an outburst, he remembered their unspoken code of trust. Hopeful plans of how they would have a life beyond the confines of their home. It had been shattered, broken by Danny’s own hand. And in a moment of his own personal confusion, he had left his poor sister to pick up the pieces.

“You should have seen mom when you called last night.” Shaindel’s voice had become noticeably softer in the month he had been away. No longer did it pierce the air with some sort of stubborn resolution, she seemed so resigned now. “I’m pretty sure she’s be getting ready since sunrise.”

Danny could imagine it quite well. He vividly remembered his mother’s tokens of love in this way. 

“Can we please come in?” Reuven muttered, “I think I’m going to freeze to death out here.”

Shaindel giggled at him and her eyes lit up. She motioned for them to follow her in. Danny closed the door behind himself and felt a tug at his arm. Shaindel had grabbed on to him, refusing for a few moments to make eye contact. Danny glanced at Reuven, who looked around the room, so out of place. No one felt comfortable here. Danny least of all. Shaindel was about to say something to him, she seemed intent on doing so, until the voice of their mother called out for help in the kitchen. Danny rejoined Reuven by his side.

“I haven’t been here in a while.” Reuven’s voice was soft and it comforted Danny somehow.

“Neither have I.”

That was when he saw his father on the other side of the family room. They did not say a word to each other. There was simply a silent greeting between them. Before they knew it, they were being called to the dinner table.

The family sat down at the table, they fell into the formation which had been routine before Danny’s disappearance. Reuven was sitting to the left of Danny. The table which for many years only sat five now comfortably accommodated for Reuven as the sixth. They chatted about the heavy snowstorm which had dominated the streets of Brooklyn, told stories and jokes. Danny, for a moment, had avoided the cold. He had been embraced by the warmth and could finally breathe again.

“Danny, why did you leave us for so long?” It was Levi who finally asked the question that everyone at the table was thinking. All eyes turned to him.

There were no answers he could manage. Not ones which would satisfy what everyone wanted from him. If he was honest, he didn’t know why he had disappeared so suddenly. Or perhaps he just did not feel comfortable admitting that he did know. His throat stung as he tried to speak, trying to conjure up anything to quell the suspicion which he knew they all held. _What the hell_ **_did_ ** _they want from him?_

“School has been extremely busy.”

The table fell silent. No one believed him. Danny knew this. Yet in a moment of divine intervention, no one pressed him on the issue. Danny’s eyes darted up to his father’s and a strange mix of emotions set. In a moment of stubbornness he wanted to be contested, wanted someone to break down the foundations of the blatant lie he had told.

“Won’t you just say something?”

“You disappeared for months. We didn’t hear a word from you, Daniel. What am I supposed to say to that?”

Danny was silent for the rest of the dinner. When the meal was over, he silently slipped away, pulling Reuven with him.

Suddenly Danny and Reuven were back on the freezing streets. As they walked down his old neighborhood, Danny's eyes wandered and his mind filled with memories of when the street was filled with life. The warm light of the sun bore down on them and made the cracking asphalt burn the bottoms of feet like a skillet. He could imagine all of the bodies which filled the streets those summer mornings , how it felt to sweat under his multitude of layers and heavy dark clothes. He remembered locking arms with Reuven and parting the red sea of people, walking him proudly among them. It all felt like a lifetime ago. It wasn’t like that now, the street was dark and cold and lifeless. Reuven walked silently beside him and Danny didn’t even know what to say to him. 

When they entered the apartment, Reuven stopped and stood like a ghost in the family room. Danny watched as he picked up framed photos and set them down again. He was unsure of what he was doing, what he was thinking. But he walked toward him anyway, and he found the photo he had been holding. David Malter. A professional looking portrait. It couldn’t have been very old but the subject looked so much younger than Danny remembered him to be.

They stood beside each other in silence for a long time. Or perhaps it had just felt like a long time to Danny. Reuven turned to Danny and grabbed the collar of his dress shirt.

“Having dinner with your family tonight. It just felt so much like how it was before you left us.” His hands were cold as he fiddled with Danny’s shirt collar. He tried to seem collected but his voice gave away that he was desperate and scared. “It felt like that’s how life should be.”

Silence fell over them again. Reuven did not let go of Danny, now he messed with the button of Danny’s collar too. His eyes were glossy and Danny could not stop staring into them. They were so dark, he still almost couldn’t even make out his pupils.

Reuven’s eyes became locked in Danny’s. He wondered if Reuven saw within him all the wonder and beauty he saw in his. Then, in a slow yet swift motion, Reuven pulled Danny down to him into a kiss. Despite how riled up the night had seemingly made Reuven his kiss was calm and understanding. Danny’s face flushed warm in an instant, but he did not fight it. He felt himself naturally embrace Reuven in return.

The ending was abrupt and sharp. A million emotions passed over Reuven’s face. He was unnaturally expressive, Danny couldn’t take his eyes away from it.

“Goodnight, Danny.” He was defeated and obviously tired now. Danny was still trying to understand himself again, certainly that’s why he had been so distant at school. He was so confused with himself. He felt it all again.

“Reuven you can’t just-” 

“Goodnight, Danny.” By the tone of his voice, Danny knew to stand down. Danny held his hand to his own lips. He didn’t sleep well that night, all he could think of when he closed his eyes was how it felt to kiss Reuven again.  



End file.
